One generation's length away from fighting life out on my own

"It's been a long time coming, but I know a change is gonna come."

A lot has happened in the last few weeks, so this may be a little random.

I never thought I would have learned so much from hanging out with an 18 year old girl for a couple of days.  That sounded a little weird so let me clarify.  I had the wonderful opportunity to hangout with Bethany Dillon and her brother Aaron when they were in town for the concert.  Just hanging out with them was just what I needed.  From them I saw God's love pour through them on to everyone they came in contact with.  It was amazing to see this and also see the wisdom surrounding them. 

They were so encouraging and it was just what I needed because I had been discourage with a lot of things and really didn't know how to deal with it, but now I see some things a little more clearly.

I've been reminded how God has carried me through my entire life and has never grown tired of it.  His love is crazy.  It's ridiculous how many things I have gotten to do musically that I probably have no business doing.  Opening for Bethany Dillon and Todd Agnew?  Leading worship?  Recording in a studio?  Seriously, it's ridiculous.  How did I get here?  I thank God for every bit of it, because I  have no business doing what I get to do, I don't deserve it at all.  But that's His love, it's crazy, but it's His love.

Another thing, God has placed some amazing people in my life. I don't deserve to have such awesome friends.  I appreciate you guys with all of my heart.  If for whatever reason I never see you again, know that you have impacted my life greatly.  Thank you for all the encouragement, support and love.  I thank God for putting you in my life because with out you my life wouldn't be the same, it would pretty much suck.  Know that I love you and that I care for you deeply, know that I will always be there whenever you need me.

Just realized:

Fragmented thought patterns, never make sense. Sorry. Lame.

I don't know how else to say this

But I want to love you as hard as I can

And when those words are not enough

I pray you'll it through the palm of my hands

I awake and I see the dream

And things are not what they seem to be

You are not here with me

But one day. . . I will see you

And I'll say I love you.

Until then God, would you please tell her for me.

Currently Listening 9 By Damien Rice see related

You take your sweaters, you take your time

Currently Listening Rent (2005 Movie Soundtrack) see related

Hang me up to dry

SI!

I CAN'T SLEEP, BUT I AM SO FREAKING TIRED!!!! 

I CAN'T SHUT MY BRAIN OFF LONG ENOUGH TO GO TO SLEEP.

I FIGURED OUT TODAY, THAT THERE ARE TWO SIDES OF ME.

YES I AM SCHIZO.  I HAVE THE STUPID ME AND THE NORMAL SMART ME, BUT APPARENTLY

STUPID WORKS OUT AND IS PRETTY BUFF, BECAUSE WHEN IT COMES TO MAKING DECISIONS

OR JUST DOING THE RIGHT, NORMAL THING, STUPID ME ALWAYS WINS.

LAME!  I WANT TO GET RID OF HIM, HE'S BEEN JACKING UP MY LIFE FOR A LONG TIME.

GROSS!  THIS IS WHERE A GOOD FRIEND WOULD COME IN HANDY AND GANG UP ON HIM, BUT

NOPE, THEY MOVED AWAY.  I MISSED THEM, THEY'RE GREAT!

MAYBE ONE DAY I WILL WIN.

THEN SOMEDAY I WILL BE A MAN.

UNTIL THEN SMART ME WILL BE WORKING OUT. . .STUPID IS GOING DOWN.

Opportunities have come and gone

My chances I have missed

To someday share in our first kiss

On the tip of my tongue

My words they stay

Maybe they would have kept

You from walking away

Can we go back to yesterday

My heart has something that

It wants to say

Can we go back to yesterday

Everyone believes and how they think it ought to be

I got my new Matt Wertz Cd in the mail yesterday!  It's good! I like it a lot.  It actually just came out today, but I pre-orded it and got a day early.  Yess!  Don't make fun of me and still my thunder, cause it makes me feel special.

He's super talented though, I love his music.  I kind of wish I could do what he does and just hustle and do shows and make good music.  I kind of get the itch to just drop everything here and just do it or at least attempt it.  Hmmm

The basement is depressing.  For those who don't know,  I work for Upside Down Creative Group, better know as The Skinny Improv and our offices are in the basement where the theater is.  There's no one else here and no windows. . .it's super depressing.  I think I am going to get a parfait, they are so good.

But as I am sitting here thinking about a conversation I had earlier with Scott and Aaron from church and I realized that I have to come to terms with some things about myself that I really can't change.  I am a people person and I love people.  I care a lot about the wellbeing of other people, even more so than myself.  I find myself going out of my way for people a lot, even if that puts me at a disadvantage somehow.  I like people and I want them to like me too.  But I have found that it lends to venerability.  I have been kind of dealing with that as of late, through caring for others, I've put my heart out there in the open and it has taken some inadvertent blows and that sucks.  So I have been wanting to change myself and not care as much anymore and not really give a flip about anything and just not care anymore.  But I have realized that is pretty much impossible for me to do because caring is pretty much who I am.  That is just how my heart rolls and to deny that would be denying my heart and in essence denying who I really am. 

So my heart is out there and is going to get hurt and that's ok.  It just a part of life as I know it. . . so far.  It's all good, so it's cool.

"Handing out fliers is like saying, "Here, you throw this away!""

P.S. In case you wanted to know what I am currently listening to, it is Matt Wertz's CD Everything In Between-  It's not in the Xanga database yet, but it's so good, so go get it!

She always knew what she wanted

But she couldn't ever see it

He could give her brighter days,

Bluer skies in her gaze

Love, it can be a funny thing

Mixed with pain,

It can quench a flame

It may seems a little rough

But it's better to say

I'm not good enough

Currently Listening Continuum By John Mayer see related

Somedays are so bright I wish I could save half the sunlight for a rainy day.

Two weeks ago seem like yesterday.  Time passes by so stinking fast when life is crazy busy.  I want to hangout with folks, but sometimes it seems really hard to find time to do that.  Then a day turns into weeks and I realize it's been a while since I seen  certain people. 

Weird thing is, I don't really feel that busy at all.  I like my job, it's pretty low key and not terribly time demanding and I am not a full time student anymore, but at the same time time passes by so fast.  Maybe it is all the little things in between that induce busyness and I just don't realize it.

In moments of clarity, my heart weighs heavy with a sense of missing people and a hint of loneliness.  It's weird feeling to have because I am not really sure how I got here, a lot of things are left unsure and definitely unclear.  I guess I will never know the depth of my heart and mind that make me who I am.  I am not really sure I am down with that or even down with who I am at this point.

Whatever!  Quarter-life crisis?  We'll see what happens next.  I just want something happen!

"Dogs are forever in the pushup position."

With you,

Time is never a waste

These moments

I'll savor just in case

Your hands

Aren't there to hold

So my heart

Will never grow cold